15th June, 2025

OCD Thoughts

I've been dealing with terrible OCD intrusive thoughts recently, so I thought I'd document them here. In part because I hope to perhaps comfort anyone going through the same or similar, but also to show myself that they're not scary.

If you don't know what OCD intrusive thoughts are, then here's a quick explanation!

With that out of the way, let me tell you about some of my most common intrusive thoughts. And please understand that none of the below is indicitive of my true feelings— I hate these thoughts and do not want them at all! I do not agree or condone any of them! I am a victim of my own brain LOL...

General trigger warning for harmful/taboo/gross content.

• Whenever I'm shaving in the shower, I always have the intense urge to cut my arms vertically. I'm not suicidal at all, but the image of my dead body with blood running down the drain flashes in my mind every shower.
• I also get the urge to eat razors sometimes.
• Sometimes when using a knife, I can envision so perfectly how it would look and feel to press the tip of the knife against my stomach and keep pushing and pushing until my tummy rebounds against the knife and my insides spill out.
• I often worry that I'm a pedophile, because I've been abused by pedophiles when I was younger. Something about being painted by the same brush simply because I feel tainted by them now.
• I agonize over the thought that someone I know might be a pedophile, and how I would react if it ever came to light. I don't actually think anyone in my life is a pedophile, but my OCD always says: "But what if?". It's always what if?
• Growing up online exposed me to so much awful content, and because I know about many infamous gore videos, I often get flashes of images from those videos. I can't handle them, and these OCD attacks often make me wanna kill myself.
• Similarly, just knowing that hurtcore and bestiality content exists makes me wanna kill myself too. I often ruminate on the mere fact that these topics are not only enjoyed, but encouraged in certain spaces, and it makes me not wanna be human anymore. I'll sit and just repeatedly think: "people get off on that awful content." over and over again. I can't sleep because that kind of content exists. Thank GOD I haven't seen any videos about this. I think I would actually kill myself if I did.
• There was a year long period where I was convinced that I had cheated on my partner but I just couldn't remember how or who with. I would repeatedly apologise for my supposed cheating, and beg them to help me "prove" that I had cheated. It didn't matter how hard I looked, I couldn't find the evidence, and this worry that I cheated soon turned into worry that I had hid the fact that I had cheated so well that the evidence no longer existed. I had never cheated to begin with.
• In high school, I had thoughts about eating my classmates. Who would taste the best, and which body part I would eat first per person. These thoughts are actually what diagnosed me with OCD, because I came home one day from school and was sobbing to my mom, begging her to take me to the police because I couldn't stop thinking about killing and eating people. I felt so horrid for imagining my friends corpses, and wanted so badly to be locked up because the thoughts alone scared me so much. I remember telling my mom that I didn't want to do that, but it felt like I was being possessed. Anyway, she looked online and found out what intrusive thoughts were and took me to the doctors where I was immediately diagnosed with OCD LOL...

There are more fleeting intrusive thoughts that I've experienced, but these are the ones I find myself often coming back to. And if you also suffer from OCD/intrusive thoughts, then please know that you are not alone! You are not your thoughts, I promise you. Talking about them helps de-stigmatize them, but I understand that it can be firghtening when others don't understand.

You are not your thoughts. Thought crimes do not exist.

9th June, 2025

Untitled

I had a dream about my dad last night.

I was with him, his ex wife, and the children they had together. My family situation is a bit fucked and I don't feel like explaining it for the purposes of this dream, but I was always friendly with his ex wife. Even still to this day, I visit his ex wife, my ex step mom. So I spent most of the dream with her and my sisters—but my brother was nowhere to be seen...

We were staying over at this like... Shopping centre I think? Like sleeping in the building for whatever reason, camping out in sleeping bags or whatever. But my dad was nowhere to be seen, so I went looking for him until my ex step mom grabbed my arm and shook her head at me. "He's in a mood, you know what he's like."

I've heard that enough times in childhood to know what that means, but as a kid, I was a complete daddy's girl anyway! So I went looking for him, cursing out my ex step mom for leaving him all alone as I sought to comfort my father when no one else would.

I found him pacing in an empty section of the mall, clearly stressed out about something. I think I was around age 10-12 in the dream? And IRL around this point in my life my dad called me claiming that my ex step mom dropped him off at a bridge and that he was considering suicide. This scene played out again in my dream, just without the bridge, and no phone call because I was right next to him. He had apparently done something so bad to my ex step mom that he was contemplating suicide, and I had to help talk him down from it because nobody else was willing to give him the time of day. Rightly so, now that I'm awake!

Just before I woke up, he had hit me. Which is something he never done IRL, so maybe the shock of being hit in my dream woke me up LOL...

Anyway, I don't think the dream has any meaning outside of trying to understand why my dad called me that one time IRL. Something about healing through dreaming or whatever. In my waking life, I do not blame my ex step mom at all—leaving him on the bridge was the right decision. He was apparently physically abusing her in the car before she threw him out, so abandonment was the least he deserved. But in the dream I felt that childlike rage of abandonment... As if my fathers abandonment was also my own, and if I didn't fix it, then no one would.

It doesn't matter how hard I tried to fix it, it's still broken to this day. It's not your place to fix, I promise.

3rd June, 2025

What Happened?

I left for a couple days. I wanna talk about why.

WARNING: This entry gets a lil rambly and all over the place.

Since smoking nicotine is so widely accepted by society at large, I've never really came to consider myself an addict. Like, sure I understood that underneath it all, I am addicted to a substance... But the negative connotations of addict never really resonated or stuck to me throughout my years as a smoker. Around 8 years now, maybe? I started young, grew up around a neglectful father who would make me smoke weed and drink alcohol in front of his addict friends as a child because it was funny, so I think it's only natural that I started smoking cigarettes in high school. I did stop for a while! And then my current partner is a smoker, so it just made sense to me again. Not that I'm trying to justify why I smoke LOL, just for a little background.

Anyway, I tried to quit! Key word being tried, mostly at the urging of some family members. And the fact that everything is so expensive nowadays... But regardless, I'm here to admit that I failed!!! And it took me a couple of days to recover from the ordeal, as silly as it sounds.

I think because smoking is so widely accepted in society, it's not regularly treated with the same weight as other addictions. I was reading online for help and support, but even ex-smokers would say: Just quit bozo! And like... Yeah, I'm sure that ultimately, that's what it comes down to... But every single time I've tried to quit cold turkey, I've failed.

For some reason, it feels like grief. Like I'm losing a lifetime friend, the death of my identity before my very eyes. And that's anxiety inducing, I think, leading me to cry nonstop during my quitting attempts. And I genuinely mean nonstop; I lasted two days of not smoking, and I cried for about 12 hours of the attempt! My eyes still burn today.

So I haven't updated this space in a while because one, I was too focused on qutting smoking. Those two days were spent sobbing and staring at walls because I couldn't focus on anything other than how sad I felt. Though, I feel as though most of my pain came from the ruined routine, the habit, rather than directly from the nicotine. And secondly, I had to recover from the guilt, shame, and upset at failing.

Besides failing to quit, I've been sifting through my 2k+ itch.io game library. I bought two bundles years ago, and never touched a single game from them, so I've been downloading and extracting every single file manually to add to my new external hard drive—that way I can't lose them. And also for archival reasons, because I notice that a lot of the games from the bundle no longer exist on itch.io, and I think that's sad. There are also a few other cool things from the bundles, such as pixel asset packs, desktop tools like a planner app, TTRPG's, and other fascinating programs. It's been fun, but it's a long and slow process...

I seem to have lost the ability to draw in the meantime. It happens when I draw too often, y'know? I've been working on my comic for so long that my hands need a break, I think.

I need to wake up in 7 hours to go to the dentist with my mom, because she doesn't wanna go alone. She's not scared, but we live in the middle of nowhere and the journey is long and boring, so I'm gonna keep her company. I think I'll get 1-3 hours sleep before we leave, given my current sleep schedule.

Will add CSS to more pages soon, don't worry. I'm feeling more normal again.

And, I think I'll go for a smoke.

30th May, 2025

Things I Learnt In May

Maybe this would be fun to do for every month? Watch me forget all about it by the end of June though LOL...

• Quitting smoking is hard. I lasted three hours last night before giving in, but I'm gonna have no choice very soon. I have very little tobacco left, maybe enough to last the day? And I can't afford to smoke anymore. Life is getting expensive. So I'm gonna be literally unable to purchase more. I think this is the only way I'll manage quitting, however!
• I have a tendency to be hypocritical. Does that make me better knowing that fact, and that I can readily admit it? I'm unsure... I don't think so, right? But what I don't tolerate in friends, I'll sneakily do myself. Maybe everyone is like this.
• I'm less fearful than I thought. I've only got one life, and as I approach my 30's, I find myself unwilling to focus on the opinions of others. I'm getting too old to care! Confrontation no longer scares me. I just wanna have fun.
• Dentists aren't that scary! There are good and nice and understanding and patient public service workes. My bad experiences as a child aren't universal. People working in those fields often do so because they want to care for others.
• Making a comic is hard work. Or would doujin be a more appropriate wording of my project? Anyway, I recommend planning your pages beforehand. I didn't do it for my current project this time round, and I'm paying the price. It takes a lot of energy and planning, but the effort is so worth the outcome, I promise!
• I'm not alone. Cheesy and classic, but oh so true! For a while, I felt like a stranger on the net. Alone in my ways of thinking and experiencing, unintentionally keeping myself hidden to a degree in fear of what others might think. But seeing other online users expressing my thoughts, feelings, and views unashamedly, unabashed in their convictions— it's not just inspiring... It's also comforting.
• I should game more. It's so fun. I miss it!

I'm sure there are other smaller thoughts and feelings I could share here, but these are the points that stood out to me most. May has been fun, if a bit exhausting money wise.

17th May, 2025

Favourite Video Game Music

A lighthearted entry today, but I was inspired to detail some of my favorite VGM due to recieving a reply to a comment I made. A comment made on youtube under one of my recent fav tracks by a new fav composer, thanking him for his work.

So, here is a non-exhaustive list of some of my favorite VGM, because I'm sure to miss a few.

Perhaps the OST I most listen to is the Doom Eternal one! Simply because I listen to it when I'm writing, and I write almost all the time. It's the perfect balance of noisy enough to help me engage, but not too noisy to the point of distraction... And I just love zoning out to it! My favorite individual track is... Cultist Base!

I could honestly put the full PMA OST on here too, but I haven't listened to the individual tracks enough to confidently do so. Still, this track encapsulates my experience with PMA so expertly that it'd feel like a disservice not to mention it. The vocals go insane, and it's really relaxing to listen to!

Again, I could probably put the whole SMT5(V) OST here but... I find myself listening to this track over and over again, because it's so high energy! It's definitely my favourite from the game <3!

Another overall banger OST, but this track from SMT4 definitely sticks out as a comfort one for me. It's so nostalgic and cosy to listen to, as well as managing to remain as upbeat as a battle theme should! Included in my love for this song/OST is SMT4A too, they're both perfection in my opinion.

A big part of why I love Neon White comes down to this soundtrack. Every single song feels perfectly picked for the level it's for, and they go so well with the fast paced gameplay too! I'm not the biggest Machine Girl fan, but I love every single track here! Good ambiance.

And now, my all time favourite game OST ever... Paradise Killer!!! I cannot put into words just how much I love this OST, every single track is a classic in my opinion. But especially the first song: "Paradise (Stay Forever)"! I know the lyrics by heart, and always love listening to the whole OST to help with my productivity! I just... I just love every track... Like they're all PERFECT to me... The mood, the vibes, the instruments, the lyrics, it all comes together so expertly and represents the game so well I think!

And now I wanna replay Paradise Killer for the 10th time...

Anyway, there is undoubtably more VGM that I enjoy, but these stick out the most! I hope you find some that you like here!

4th May, 2025

Spacehey? More like FREAKHEY!!!

I recently joined Spacehey, and then subsequently deleted my account 4 days later. I wanna talk about it a little.

Originally, it seemed like such a good idea! I was too young to properly use myspace, or perhaps I was just a little too sheltered... But regardless, my point is that despite being around the age where it was a popular place to hang out, I never really did. My first social media, in fact, was Bebo! Does anyone remember that?!

Anyway, back on track. I thought it might be fun to sort of live an experience I skirted around, but otherwise avoided. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, and engaging with an idie social media sounded fun by itself! The slow pace of it was appealing, and I was eager to make new friends.

This, however, was fortunately short lived.

Day one of Spacehey was uneventful. I struggled finding my way around the site and it was slow as fuck, but I got there. It seemed rather lively, new people were joining all the time, and I was looking forward to checking the place out some more!

Day two was when I got a little more involved, checking out some blog entries, some groups and forum posts... This should have been my first red flag, because most of what I was reading about was regarding children and school, but I nonetheless persisted. There were few lights in the dark tunnels, and I did my best to reach out to adult users.

Day three was more eventful! Some users had gotten back to me, and I was looking forward to replying! But I got really sick this day, so I avoided much communication. Instead, I ended up customizing my profile and taking another good look at blogs and such. This day started ringing alarm bells, but I'm an optimistic person... So I kept trying...

Day 4. Judgement day. But to be less silly, it was this day that prompted me into deleting my account and wanting to write this diary entry. Let's talk about it!

Spacehey has a few problems, and I wouldn't really consider the majority children userbase to be one by itself... But rather, there aren't enough proper precautions put in place for it's main userbase. And this is the main issue I have with the site. The amount of 13 or under children I saw on there was ridiculous, and the amount of them that tried to add me despite including "adult, 20+, MDNI" in my "about me" section was stupid. Kids these days have no self preservation, and they're existing on that app with their full face as their profile picture? It's so dangerous! And of course, I understand that there's only so much Spacehey themselves can do, but it was highly uncomfortable to experience and witness.

Related to the majority minor userbase, I spotted at least EIGHT groomers on that website on day 4. Like, not even trying to hide it? Containting things like... "Adult, any age can add, but be warned that I'm a flirty freak." among other suspicious content. Like... C'mon now!!!

I also saw a couple of profiles that stated things similar to "13, female, sexting older men!" which is so fucking gross like I simply can't even begin to understand...

And then I also ran into a couple of profiles that were looking for shtwt users, which I'm not gonna elaborate upon but iykyk. This one in particular could lead down an especially dark rabbit hole that I don't care to name here, out of the fear that if you're currently unaware, I don't want to bring attention to it for you to fall down a similar rabbit hole.

But anyway, fair to say that I reported every account I came across that fell into the above lines, though I'm not sure if anything will actually be done about it. I haven't stuck around to find out, because am I fuck staying on a site where children rule the place, and the remaining users seem to be groomers, pedophiles, or sh enthusiasts. Whilst on the site, I saw a lot of people complaining about a lack of moderation already, so I'm not hopeful...

But yeah, not a very fun place to be. Highly DO NOT recommend. Stay away.

30th April, 2025

sniffs...

Yesterday, I went to the doctors for an issue I've been experiencing for the last 2/3 years...

Why did I leave the issue so long? mostly because I assumed the cause of the issue, and didn't see the need to go to the doctors. Something about the fact that I'm so used to going to the doctors, that I had already played the scenario out in my head and took the actions I thought my doctor would give me anyway.

But curiosity finally got the better of me, and I made an appointment to get my issue checked out! And thank God I did, truthfully.

The issue? Phantosmia! Basically, smelling scents that aren't there or real.

Originally, I had simply assumed this to be a symptom of long covid. Beause about 2/3 years ago, I suffered a really bad case of covid, and then right at the back of it, I suffered two bouts of sinusitis. I wasn't experiencing the phantosmia during covid or the sinusitis cases, but when the symptom presented after the fact, it was easy for me to relate the two.

So anyway, I was living my life for the past 2/3 years whilst inconsistently consistently smelling burning wood. No one else around me could smell it, and the smell wasn't location specific... As in I would smell it in my room, at the store, in the doctors office, at my partners house, etc. Almost like the smell was following me around! And it often got so bad to the point that the smell would catch in the back of my throat and it would burn!!! It affected my asthma too, and would make me cough over the fake smell!

Ultimately, the symptom is more annoying than anything damaging, and it might sound silly to say that it was impacting my QOL, but it really was! I couldn't sleep because of how strong the smell was at times, I couldn't eat because everything tasted of burning wood, I couldn't relax because my eyes were watering and my throat was closing over this faux smell!

So I relayed all this information and more to my doctor, and unsurprisingly, they gave me some important information!

The phantosmia could be as a result of long covid... But it could also be related to other things! Such as:

• Sinusitis, of course. I'd have thought it might be a common symptom during the infection, but apparently it can last afterward too!
• Migraines! Apparently, they can affect more than just your eyes and head, which is news to me! I quite often suffer from ocular migraines, and people in my family have been known to have migraine disorders, so this sounds like a likely cause.
• Acid Reflux. I don't personally think I have acid reflux; the doctors only think so because I also have lumps in my neck (thanks sinusitis) that is sometimes linked to acid reflux, but the hospital said it's more likely that the lumps are just shot lymph nodes from when I got sick three times in a row. They englarged and just never went down. (thank covid, sinusitis, and sinusitis x2!!!)
• Nothing! Sometimes phantosmia happens for no reason at all, and cannot be treated.

But for the other potential causes mentioned, there is thankfully treatment! As such, the doctors have sent me home with two medicines...

1. A steroid nasal spray. Something about opening my nose up.
2. And a recipe list to make a homemade concoction LOL... Like a magic spell...
• 1 pint of water, boiled, and then allowed to cool.
• Half a teaspoon of salt.
• Half a teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda.
• Mix together and wait until it's completely cooled.
• Grab a syringe, and do a nasal douche.
• This should help clear and clean my nasal passages.
3. Take both meds twice a day, morning and night.

I'm on day two of taking the medication, and so far so good! It's difficult to measure because the phantom smell isn't consistent as to when/where/how it appears, so I might just have been lucky lately... But the smell hasn't showed up since taking both the steroid spray and the syringe solution! So I'm hopeful that perhaps the phantom smell is tied to sinusitis complications, or a migraine disorder!

Only time will tell I suppose, but I'm feeling very hopeful! And in the event that these steps don't help, at the very least I know that the cause isn't anything more serious. They did some neurological testing on me too and everything is fine, so it's not tumor related... It'd just be annoying if the root cause of it was "nothing" and subsequently, nothing would help.

But I can live with that. That's not scary or dangerous.

26th April, 2025

downloading updates: 3, 2, 1...

Hello, I'm here to yap.

Mostly, I wanna get down in writing what I plan on adding/update to my website. One, so that I don't personally forget and I can reference this diary entry in the future. And two, for funsies. Maybe you're curious about what's coming next too?

So. Here's my list!

• More shrines! Particularly...
• Paradise Killer and Promise Mascot Agency (maybe better to simply do a Kaizen Game Works page? But the aesthetics of both games are so wildly different... I dunno, gotta think about it...!),
• Mion Sonozaki, or perhaps a more general Higurashi shrine?
• Guardian Angels!
• Something dedicated to Kindred, my favourite LoL character lore wise...
• A page all about my favourite fish!
• And likely many, many more...
• I'd also really love to make a quiz of sorts! Something Stardew Valley related no doubt... However, providing I can make one, I'm sure I'd love to make more! They'd go under the "Fun" button on my main index I think.
• More shiny/imvu buttons are in order too I think! Again, I'd like to make more Stardew Valley related buttons next, but the net is mine. There are so many words I can put on them!
• And generally speaking, more graphics/resources in general will be created. I love pixel art!
• More and more templates and tutorials too! Probably more of the former, because I really only write tutorials when I'm asked to, or when I find something difficult and would like to share my findings for others just in case they also find it difficult. Or if it's something JS related. But templates are always so fun and easy to make! And I enjoy so many aesthetics, so templates are a good outlet for that I think!

I'm sure there are more pages to be made that I'm forgetting about, but those above are at the forefront of my mind. Does that mean they're most important to me? Does the order reflect my subconscious hierarchy?

Does it matter?

Anyway, I started writing this entry at like 12pm and it's now 7.30pm LOL... Ah, I got so busy doing so many other things... I think i was gonna type "Anyway, here are the things I have to do today!" but they happened before I could even finish my sentence I guess!

First, I had to help my mom build a new couch— specifically for her dog. Because he likes to people watch at the window, and needs somewhere to sit to be able to look out said window. I like building furniture actually, it's like adult lego to an extent...

Then, I had to deal with my pets. Cleaning, feeding, watering. Cleaning their living spaces actually takes a long time, especially when I'm also restocking at the same time. And, considering that after each deep clean, my room ends up being a mess of substrate and such... So I then also had to clean my room from all the mess afterwards!

Then, I had to help move furniture. Because my mom gave me some pirate ass looking chest for storage, and it was heavy as fuck. But I had to make room for it, which meant moving my whole two monitor pc setup, including my heavy ass printer AAAA my back still hurts lmfao!!!

And finally, my new switches and keycaps arrived for my new base keyboard, so I spent a good hour building that and somehow ended up cutting my finger in the process? I also accidentally disconnected the ribbon for the LCD attached to the keyboard and spent so long trying to get it back in (I managed to reconnect it thank God...)

And now... I'm exhausted... So I'm ending this entry here...

24th April, 2025

fishy business...

For such a simple looking web page, I had some amount of trouble in coding it and setting it up exactly the way I wanted it to look LOL...

I was inspired to make this page using this aesthetic due to coming across a few layout pages recently. Namely, snow-drops, shukuya, and auroraveil. The style of the layouts there feel so nostalgic, and the simplistic complexity is really appealing to me... Though I'm a lot more lazy than the owners of those layouts are, because I made this page incredibly minimalistic in comparison. I still like it though. I enjoy the black and white look, especially with the Yoshitaka Amano illustration on the side! I would like to implement some sort of sorting system at some point for this page too, cause I can imagine that this will be hell to traverse as the years go on. Maybe through usage of the details tag?

Regardless, hi, hello. I'm writing my first diary entry.

You maybe have noticed that the blog section is gone from my homepage, and that's because I think I prefer writing to myself, as opposed to writing when the intended audience is others. Like, sure, people can read these entries to their hearts content, but it's not like these entries have a purpose beyond my own enjoyment. Blog writing, however, feels inherently for an audience. I don't like that. I only care about myself.

As for myself, well... I've been really fucking burnt out recently. Creatively. And it's impacting my whole life!!!!! Something like... If I can't create, then what's the point in anything? I've been unable to finish any of my creative projects to a capacity that feels fulfilling. Nothing helps. Nothing was helping.

Until I decided to paint some fish.

There's something so instinctively soothing about water, right? Something particularly calming in regards to the ocean. Even just thinking about aquatic life makes me feel a bit better, to be honest with you. And I love fish! They're so pretty and colorful and varied; I thought they'd be the perfect paint subject!

And it actually really helped if I'm honest. I still want to paint much more! I wanna make a whole aquarium of fish! But yeah. Moral of todays entry: When life sucks and nothing is working out the way you want it to, try painting some fish.